Newt Scamander Is the Biggest Idiot in All of Harry Potter History

Image: WB

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is fine. It’s a very pretty movie with a few really good performances (specifically Dan Fogel and Colin Farrell). Unfortunately, the plot requires almost everyone involved to be unforgivably stupid or else the whole story would fall apart. And the stupidest person by far is the hero, Newt Scamander.


Although my colleague Germain gave Fantastic Beasts a glowing review, as io9's resident obsessive Harry Potter fan, I must semi-respectfully disagree. And here’s why.

Okay, first of all, Newt arrives in America by boat. He’s a wizard, why is he traveling anywhere by boat? I know it’s possible to apparate in 1926 because the characters do it all the time. And if not Apparition, if America was just too far away, what about a portkey? Broom? Flying carpet? Why is he coming to America via a fucking boat and passing through regular customs? Shouldn’t there be a magical customs, you know, since a lot of this movie is about how American wizards are all about keeping humans and magic as far apart as possible?


While standing in line at customs—again, regular old non-magical customs—one of the locks on Newt’s suitcase springs open. Newt’s suitcase is filled with magical creatures. Maybe Newt should think about getting that lock fixed. At the end of the movie, we see that suitcase tied shut with rope. If rope was all it took to fix this thing, maybe he should have put a rope on it from the very beginning. That would be the smart thing to do but Newt is incredibly stupid.

Newt is such a moron throughout this whole movie. The fantastic beasts? He let them out. Where to find them? Fuck if Newt knows!

As happens when the magical suitcase you have filled with magical creatures has a broken lock, Newt manages to lose a couple of his beasts. On the hunt for one, he breaks into the vault of a bank. Did he stop to think that maybe the nonmagical authorities would not take lightly to that? No, he does not. He also magically pulls a No-Maj (the American word for Muggle) to him, fails to wipe his memory, and then lets the No-Maj take off with his case. BRILLIANT.

Sure, just pull out your wand and do this to a dude you don’t know in public, Newt. Good idea. (Gif from Fantastic Beasts, WB)

Newt uses his magic everywhere, indiscriminately. I know part of the point of this movie is how repressed and repressive America is, but still. It’s not like Wizarding Britain doesn’t have rules against exposing magic to Muggles—how is Newt so bad at hiding?


Throughout this whole movie, Newt insists at every possible turn that nothing in his case is dangerous while simultaneously proving that to be a lie. Something bites the No-Maj, Jacob, and it causes him to sweat and Newt to say that one of the symptoms is flames shooting out your ass. Also, one of his creatures destroys a house. Another destroys the Central Park zoo. At one point, he admonishes one of the beasts for attempting to eat an unconscious person’s brains. Nope, nothing dangerous in that case at all!

Speaking of the zoo incident, Newt attempts to recapture one of his creatures by dusting himself in musk and doing a mating dance. Meanwhile, he leaves the open bottle of musk in the hands of Jacob who, predictably, drops it and covers himself with the stuff. So the giant rhino creature chases Jacob and tries to mate him, nearly killing him. But again, none of Newt’s creatures are dangerous!

Pictured: A not dangerous beast (image: WB)

(Okay, to be fair, that was less the creature and more Newt not taking back the bottle and closing it. Because Newt is the dumbest person in the history of the wizarding world.)



Newt also just casually strolled into America without bothering to learn a single thing about the customs, language, or laws of the place. Which, look, I know a lot of tourists don’t do a ton of research, but Newt came to America to release a giant fucking bird into the sky. He maybe should have checked to see if, like, there was some special procedure for that in the country. Or at least checked on the aforementioned laws about when and where to use magic.

At the end of the movie, a completely different set of fuck-ups leads to a big black cloud ripping through New York City and a very obvious exposure of magic. Newt saves the day by releasing Frank, the aforementioned giant bird, who creates a giant storm and fills it with a venom that wipes memories away.

A venom, by the way, that hasn’t really been tested by anyone but Newt. Forgive me for not trusting Newt’s judgment at this point in the movie. Plus, uh, with this giant storm filled with amnesia venom and raining down on New York, he seems to have contaminated all of New York’s water supply. And I mean for a while—that water is going to get stored, drunk (we even see someone drinking from a sink and forgetting), used to water plants, put in food, and basically stay generally stay in circulation forever. In diminishing amounts, sure, but Newt never checked on the long-term effects of this shit. Sounds safe!


Newt is such a moron throughout this whole movie. The fantastic beasts? He let them out. Where to find them? Fuck if Newt knows!

Fantastic Beasts is a movie where apparently random people can just barge into meetings the President of the Magical Congress of the United States is having with all the other magical leaders in the world and there’s no security to stop them. No one figures out that the head of law enforcement has been replaced with the most wanted criminal in the wizarding world. (Here’s another question, how did that work exactly? Because if it’s Polyjuice, we never see Grindelwald drinking it. I really wish it was possession or something permanent because Colin Farrell is great in this role. He’s so manipulatively charming, I could easily understand how he could sway Dumbledore. And they’re replacing him with Johnny Depp, fucking hell.) The supposedly brilliant Grindelwald has the object of his desire in front of him many many times and somehow never sees it, a New York Senator calls people freaks for no reason, and a single wizard can apparently sentence others to death with no checks and balances. And Newt still stands out as the stupidest motherfucker in a sea of dumb motherfuckers.

And then he takes a boat home. Fuck this movie.

Previous Post
Next Post
December 25, 2016 at 6:42 AM

I was lost with no hope for my husband was cheating and had always got away with it because i did not know how or always too scared to pin anything on him. with the help a friend who recommended me to cyberhacks who help hack his phone,all his social applications, email, chat, sms and expose him for a cheater he is. I just want to say a big thank you to you need help with hacking any phone or account or other jobs contact him via email/phone (CYBERHACKSOLUTIONS@GMAIL.COM) or +1 916 378 4978 Tell him i reffered you.He will help you ASAP

May 19, 2017 at 3:01 AM

finally i got in contact with cyberhacklove at gmail dot com
they helped me hack into my wife
facebook smoothly, hacked into her emails and cell phone.the sweetest
of all is that they are fast a nd quick. mentioning my
name would make him respond and treat you better as we are now close.
Just tell him you are from me. He also does so many other hacks like
facebook, whatsapp, bank, credit card,paypal,sype... just name it
contact: +16066579237

June 19, 2017 at 7:02 AM

i met a guy called Sam ,he helped me hack into my spouse INSTAGRAM,KIK,FACEBOOK AND GMAIL. Now i can monitor my spouse day to day messages and activities with out him knowing .he is very kind and i compensated him after his services. contact him at : cyberphoneways at gmail dot com.
INSTAGRAME: Samhoffman3.. can try him out

August 15, 2017 at 1:23 AM

Are you suffering financially or do you need urgent cash to pay your bills? worry no more because, there is away you can earn money without stress.You can change your life in just 18hours. contact (MR Brown) for a blank [ATM SMART CARD]today and be among the lucky ones who are benefiting from this cards. This PROGRAMMED blank ATM SMART card is capable of hacking into any ATM machine,anywhere in the world. I got to know about this BLANK ATM CARD when I was searching for a loan lender online about a month ago..It has really changed my life for good and now I can take of my family. The least money I get in a day with this card is about $7000. Everyday i have enough money to take care of my family. Though is illegal, there is no risk of being caught , because it has been programmed in such a way that it is not traceable, and also it renders the CCTV useless when you are withdrawing money..For Details on how to get a card today, email the Hackers On : ( Call +18327905722)

August 25, 2017 at 3:00 PM

Contact :

For all Private Investigation & Hacking Services such as;

-Finding out if your Spouse or Partner (husband, wife, boyfriend,
or girlfriend) is cheating

-Keeping Tabs on Employees or Doing Background Check On Your Online Lover

-Gaining Full Access To Any Mobile, Whatsapp, Email, Facebook, Snapchat,
And Any Other Social Media Accounts or Chat/Messenger

-Hacking of University Portal; Change of Grades; Get Examination Questions

-Fake passports and documents etc

We get the hack done with no delay and we show proof.

November 13, 2017 at 8:06 PM

I don't really buy the idea of recommending professionals online but I
promised Martin (MPARKSHACKINGINT @ GMAIL.COM) this recommendation for a job
well done,
he's one of the best private investigator/hacker out there, he's
trust worthy and a man of his words....I was having issues with my spouse
and businesses
associate,my spouse was cheating while my business partner wanted to
blackmail me, I was worried until I saw Martin on here...we talked a few
times and he promised
to help me and under 12 hour I was seeing their messages and also deleted
conversations...I'm really glad I got in touch with him....he's into jobs
like Whatspp,viber,Fb, clearing of criminal records ,Text,cal logs iCloud,bank
hacks and so on.....get in touch with MPARKSHACKINGINT @ GMAIL.COM.. you
can also contact him on TEXT +1(321) 730 8834. ..thank me later

February 3, 2018 at 6:44 PM

Help me thank cyberappshacker after being scammed of $1500 he helped me find my cheating husband he
helped hack his whatsapp gmail and kik and i got to know that he was cheating on me , in less than 24 hours
he helped me out with everything cyberappshacker is trust worthy and affordable contact CYBERPROFESSIONALHACKER@GMAIL.COM